Reflection, recollection and reaction...
Here is a good one from last spring that I haven't published yet :) don't worry I'm in the land of electricity and wifi (*well at least LTE cell service for the most part!) so there should be more coming!!
March 23 , 2017: As I sit here in my little dry cabin in my underwear (dude its at least 90 degrees in here! and no one stops over unannounced, and if they do I have 50 dogs that act like a security alarm) I'm reflecting a lot over things that have happened in the last several weeks, months and year.
I reflect a lot. I've gone from a person that only would look into the future with a wild and blind eye, from a person that would obsess about the past until I developed a severe anxiety to a person that I like to think is a little more balanced. Now by balanced I mean that I reflect (haha good word! Better than OBSESSSSS) on things that have happened and why they happened and where they are leading me and what they are leading me to. I still do worry about the future but I really try and not... there is not a damn thing that I can do to fortune tell what is coming down the universe for me. But what I can do is try and focus on the day that I am in, right now, this time and this space. How can I make the best decisions for me today. What do want to accomplish today? This is an every day struggle. There are limits to what I can even think about and not start getting that queezy feeling of a panic attack...I can't plan for the future I have to let it just happen. I really do. I am such a different person than I was 4 years ago. I am just different but so much more happy in my skin. So much happier!
Just because I'm happier doesn't mean I don't cry, it doesn't mean I'm happy all the time and it doesn't mean that I am satisfied where I'm at. I do have goals and dreams (Obviously!) but how and when they happen I really do have to leave a majority up to what is going on with the universe. That sounds so crazy and hippie but its so true! I can't rush anything and I literally have NO control over my life...None of us do. We have to make the best decisions for ourselves and see what happens. I do have to say that some days I just feel like I throw glitter in the air and watch where it falls.... that is literally how much control I have which is zero.
October 3, 2017 - As I sit here in my dry but electrified and well insulated cabin (yay upgrade!) I have time to reflect on the last 5 months....
This season in Skagway was not exactly what I was expecting. To be honest I once again was trying to make things happen my way in my time and needed a "Hey lady its not ready yet" moment to tell me to take a step back. Also during the mid-season slump (seasonal workers you know what I mean by this) I developed my old personality back, the one that I hate, the one that feels like they need to control everything and be perfect and the anxiety came back....not as bad as I've had before but it was there and it was a fine line for a few weeks where I was not happy. I felt very toxic and well it just wasn't fun.
Something prompted me to step back and look at what the heck I was doing because it wasn't the person I have worked so hard to get back to. The happy person that loves life and just needs to enjoy it. I'm not exactly sure what it was but it was something that told me to just fucking relax. NO you can't make everything happen your way on your time line, who cares if they don't like you, you like you and that's what matters! There are a lot of things that I could go on and on about. But in the end, it was a good season, things happened they way they were supposed to and things will continue to happen they way they are supposed to!
In to fall....I am happy. I am staying in a mushers handler cabin with only my dogs to care for, taking a few weeks off to once again realize why I love this life style. The feeling that I get from this place is extremely positive, the dogs are happy, I'm happy and things will be good.
Stay tuned for more updates and ramblings from this musher :)